My dream last night: Astonishing genetic experiments at NIH show innate preference for socialism

The Welfare gene

My secret source at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) told me there are photos and video footage of the after-party.

Popping champagne corks. Strippers. Drag queens. Researchers taking off their clothes and dancing on balconies.

But let’s get to the science. Researchers have identified a gene that compels the desire to live off of government money. The Welfare gene. Apparently, it is present in 67% of the population, according to an extrapolating computer model.

Not only that. The same elite team at NIH discovered another gene, which compels the desire to earn an honest living by one’s own efforts, WAS ONCE PRESENT in roughly 72% of the population—but is now all but gone.

The team states these two experimental findings confirm an evolutionary trend in humans.

Dr. Mischa Everlast Pupkin-Poove, the team leader, has written: “Humans are changing, and changing for the better. The old political and economic systems are out. They no longer count. We are now in the age of enlightened socialism. The genetics are clear. We can no longer argue principles or preferences. Choices are irrelevant. In fact, they’re a delusion. We’re sloughing off old genes and acquiring new ones. These genes tell us what to think and how to behave.”

I’m also told the NIH team is negotiating with the Chinese government to carry out experiments on their leaders. Why?