Belief in viruses produces boners in men

As more and more people in America began to realize no one had ever proved viruses exist, and these foolish germs were just a pipe dream, the US Task Force for Medical Truth met hastily and chose an expert to brief the press—

With unexpected results.

Dr. Harry Fixer Grant of the National Institutes of Health was interviewed by 60 Minutes’ Lesley Stahl:

So Doctor, you’re saying a kind of religious faith in viruses produces boners in men?

Yes, Lesley. Faith in their existence and their power to do harm.

The boners are harmful?

No, Lesley, the viruses.

What’s the connection between faith and boners?

Increased blood flow.

Viruses increase blood flow?

NO. The faith does.

I see. The power of belief.

Exactly. In the lab, working with chimps—that was the original experiment suggested by Doctor Birx—the boner factor emerged. So we ran a clinical trial with human volunteers.

Were some of the volunteers women? To satisfy the federal diversity requirement?

No, Lesley. Women don’t get boners.

Are you sure?

Yes, I’m sure.

Some medical leaders would say your trial was biased.

We looked, Lesley. We tried to find women with boners and there weren’t any.

We’ll leave that issue for the moment. This religious faith in viruses—is it organized as a church?

No. It’s an individual proposition.

Is there Scripture?

No. There are no rules or organizations. We have a checklist that adds up to the required level of faith.

So there is no God.

Not in this case.

You tested how many men?

Four hundred, from all walks of life.

All—they all got boners?

As a result of their faith in viruses, yes.

Did you have to stimulate that faith synthetically?