President Joe Biden spoke with reporters in the Rose Garden Monday morning, Memorial Day, announcing his upcoming Executive Order banning all sports at every level in America.
“It’s inherently unfair,” he said. “We have many kids and adults who just can’t compete in sports. They’re an underserved community, and they aren’t being included in American life. So I’m going to reverse all that.”
“When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Here you have all these people who are discriminated against because they aren’t performing well in athletics. Millions of kids and adults. And we’re casting them aside, as if they don’t belong. This has to stop.”
“It’s like any other situation where we need to apply the rules of diversity, equity, and inclusion. Curb the prejudice. Make us equal.”
“Now, I understand that many black athletes are being amply rewarded in professional sports plantations by their slave owners. We can’t just cut these players off. So we’ll print money and pay them what they would be making if they were performing. They’ll get that money for free.”
“And we also have a number of wonderful transgender people who are competing against women in track, swimming, and cycling. We have to pay them, too. We can’t leave them out. They’re American heroes. They’re the best that America has to offer. They’ll get their money, too.”
“But we’re banning sports. All sports. Wherever they occur. It’s an ugly sight.”