Gamble! Bet! Bet on the biggest trend in America! And help save the economy!
Once again, I support the downtrodden
I’ll get right to it.
Street crime is exploding in big cities all over America (and the world).
Since most authorities seem uninterested in stopping it, and some of them are actually encouraging and facilitating it…
We the people need to bet on it.
We now have huge online gambling companies. They can easily fold this innovation into their business.
There are three basic sports bets. Straight winners in head to head matchups (called money line), points spreads, and over/under.
So for example, assuming AI can be deployed to keep an honest count, you could bet on the number of shootings in a given week in Chicago.
The over/under line is set by the house, the gambling company, at 33. Do you bet there will more than 33 shootings? Fewer?
You can break this down into categories. Over/under for black on black shootings, or black on white. Shootings that wound; or kill.
You want to go head to head? This week, will there be more shootings in Chicago or Philadelphia? St. Louis or New Orleans?
For point spread, the house gives you Chicago favored over Philly by 7. That means you have to “give away” 7 shootings if you bet on Chicago. You get 7 added to your final score if you bet on Philly.
But then we have other categories of crime. Each type allows betting. Number of street muggings (with or without treatment at a local hospital). Number of store robberies. Number of jewelry store robberies. Number of elderly persons each injured by three or more assailants.
The list goes on. Number of home burglaries. Rapes. Assaults by illegal immigrants. Fatal stabbings.
We’re talking HUGE betting business here.
And it turns out—the more crooked prosecutors who fail to secure convictions, the bigger the crime rate, and therefore the bigger the betting industry.
Isn’t that something?
Here’s one of my major innovations. The gambling company donates a significant percentage of its profits to victims of street crime.
So it’s humanitarian.
Will those sizeable donations make up for the theft of property, the pain, suffering (and death) of innocents? Well, of course not. Although, in some demographics, e.g., high end fashion shops, the compensation might rival the loss.
But still. The INTENT is commendable.
Of course, as this trend in betting on crime really takes off and captures the imagination of the American people, you’re going to run into all sorts of folks who are rooting for more crime. Because they’re laying down money on it.
“Come on! I need six more murders in Chicago this week! What’s wrong with you people!”
“Daddy’s taking us to Disneyworld for a week! He won eight grand on murder in St. Louis!”
Suppose this sort of degradation has a limit? Perhaps a percentage of gamblers will actually stop short, think about what they’re doing, and develop some kind of moral conscience for the first time in their lives.
I wouldn’t bet on it, but you never know.