The half-cocked idiot perched in a tree talking to the cop who is about to arrest him

Sir, I realize you’re going to take me in. And maybe I belong in jail. But I have a few things to say first.

You see, I experienced a cross-over. I couldn’t distinguish between television and what was happening in the world anymore.

If doctors say this is a sign of insanity, I guess I’ll have to accept their judgement. But for example, COMMERCIALS. Am I buying the product or the ad? I’m not sure about that. And the Sunday preachers. If I send them money for books, who is getting the money? The preacher man, or his television program? It’s confusing.

About two weeks ago, I was watching a politician on the news. I don’t remember his name. But for a moment, I thought he was telling me to look at his gestures and listen to the rhythm of his voice, rather than pay attention to the subject of his remarks. Is that possible? Do other people have this experience and keep quiet about it?

Then there is the war. When Russia first invaded the Ukraine, I thought the fighting might last a month, at most. Because I was under the impression Russia was quite a military colossus and the Ukraine was quite small by comparison. So why has the war gone on for so long? This is a mystery I can’t solve. When I watch the news, the reporters and their guests don’t seem puzzled at all. They talk about the battles as if the two sides are equally matched. Or if not, Russia’s victories don’t appear to be making much difference. I defer to the news, but I sometimes feel the journalists are describing something in their own minds. Does that make me odd or unbalanced?

Then there are the events of the last 24 hours. Yesterday, I went to my doctor with a list of several dozen drugs. Each of them is advertised on television. And in each case, I’m told to ask my doctor if the drug is right for me. So I did. My doctor was visible annoyed. He told me I should see a psychiatrist. For a moment, I thought he was going to call the authorities and have me locked up.

My wife left me this morning. She watches many movies on television that feature male heroes who seek revenge for acts committed against them or their families. She tells me I should be like them. But no one has committed these acts against either of us. When I point this out, she flies into a rage or weeps. I’m at a loss to know what to do. I’ve tried going to a gym and lifting weights, but the music they play there is so loud it hurts my head. And on a big screen, they show the same movies my wife watches.

So I came here to this park. I was sitting on a bench feeding the pigeons when I swear one of the actors in those movies walked by me. I recognized him. He’s always rescuing one of his children from kidnappers. I got up from the bench and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to me with rage in his eyes. I asked him whether his strength and power made him popular with women. He threatened to punch me in the face. I ran away. I climbed this tree. When I looked around, he was gone.

The cop said: “Are you a cat?”

“Excuse me?”