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I work with Nike to solve their China slave problem
My PR firm, OBLITERATION, INC. has signed on with Nike to handle their China crisis. You know, those slaves making shoes.
Right now, we’re testing slogans and tag lines with focus groups.
I told the Nike bosses that fear and timidity are out. They have to go the other way. They have to stick out their chests and take pride in their business strategy.
Here are a few lines of text we’re testing:
OF COURSE SLAVES MAKE OUR SNEAKERS. AND THEY ALWAYS WILL. DO YOU REALLY CARE?
CHINA ISN’T OUR FRIEND. THEY’RE OUR BEST FRIEND.
LEBRON’S ANCESTORS WERE SLAVES. SLAVES MAKE HIS SHOES NOW. AND? SO? WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
EVERYONE’S A SLAVE. WHO OWNS YOU?
DO YOU WANT TO PAY $1000 FOR A PAIR OF NIKES? IF NOT, LET SLAVES MAKE THEM.
SLAVES IN CHINA HELP YOUNG TRANSGENDER AMERICANS PLAY BASKETBALL.
BLACK LIVES MATTER. NIKES MATTER TO YOUNG BLACK MEN.
THE SAUDIS ASSASSINATE A JOURNALIST WHO CRITICIZES THEIR REGIME. THEY FLOG WOMEN. THE SAUDIS PAY AMERICAN GOLFERS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO PLAY ON THEIR NEW TOUR. CHINESE SLAVES MAKE NIKES FOR THOSE US GOLFERS. IT ALL WORKS OUT. DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY.
Actually, that last one is a news story all by itself. But we have to get the right journalists to write it. With Nike money, Chinese money, and Saudi money, I don’t think we’ll have a problem.
Now, here’s something right in your face. I’m trying to get Nike to go with it. TV ad. Black screen. A face, neck and shoulders fade in. It’s Hunter Biden. He’s unshaven. Dissolute. But his eyes are steady and he’s looking right at the camera:
“I’m Hunter Biden. I do business with China. My family does business with China. I wear Nikes. I don’t care who makes them.”
When you go all the way, balls to the wall, you win. Don’t pussyfoot around. Don’t hem and haw. Don’t make excuses. As that old Nazi Goebbels said (or maybe it was me), DON’T LOOK FOR THE BOSS. BE THE BOSS.
My people are putting together a documentary for Nike. We want to appeal to political conservatives. Here’s the premise. On 9/11, Muslims blew up the Trade Center and murdered thousands of Americans. The slaves making Nikes in China are Uyghur Muslims. So who cares? They SHOULD BE slaves. Buying Nikes is a patriotic act.
Air-tight logic for Air Jordans.
Do you have a sensitive political issue your company is trying to navigate? Contact OBLITERATION, INC. We solve shit-storms and you come out smelling like a rose.
We have ex-CIA people on staff. They take no prisoners. Well, they do, but only those who stand in your way.
A dozen pairs of LeBron James 19s FREE to each of the first ten callers.
-- Jon Rappoport
Follow Jon on Twitter and Gab: @jonrappoport