Mickey Mouse discovered he was gay in 1973

Bolden Harrow Judy Beth Lyman, a spokesperson for the Disney Corporation, addressed reporters at the annual Florida Flower Festival last week:

“I think it’s time we cleared up a few nagging issues.”

“In 1970, we began fielding inquiries from gay organizations about Mickey.”

“Apparently, his manner and dress had led some to infer he was gay. Which, of course, was untrue. He had been created as a straight man. At the beginning.”

“But then some of us thought: why not? Boys, girls, men, women. You can only cover that territory for so long, before you know the routine backwards and forwards.”

“So we began a quiet campaign. We replied to these gay groups with—well, we’re not sure. Could be. Who knows? Anything’s possible.”

“But in November of 1973, in one of our design studios in California—and this was not the first time a dimension-crossover event took place—Mickey himself jumped off the page of artist Kelly Cupertino and said: I’M GAY!”

“You see, it was Mickey’s decision. We had nothing to do with it. He told us he’d just realized it. He and Minnie Mouse all those years—nothing had gone on between them. And now Mickey knew why.”

“Mickey is gay. And in 2023 he’s considering transitioning. He wants to be a woman having sex with men.”

“Well, we told him he can just SAY he’s a woman. He can identify that way. But he has it in his mind to undergo the surgery.”

“He wants us to animate the whole process of transition. The drugs, the hormones, the operation. The post-op counseling. We’re considering it. In IMAX. Then maybe a weekly streaming series.”