Rachel Maddow interviews Tony Fauci in the shower

"Rachel, baby. How the hell did you get in my house? Can’t you see I’m taking a shower?"

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Hey, Tony.

Rachel, baby. How the hell did you get in my house? Can’t you see I’m taking a shower?

Your wife let me in. I told her it was important.

I’m naked.

Aren’t we all, under the scrutiny of the public, whom we serve?

What do you want?

I see you’re wearing a mask.

The water is hot.

So?

Heat can activate the virus.

The virus in your body or on the walls of the shower?

Either. Both.

You’re being very careful.

See that window above my head? Last week while I was in here, a TMZ photographer was there taking my picture. Can you believe it?

Listen, Tony, I know you’re retiring. I’m leaving, too. I’m getting out of that sewer at MSNBC. Morning Schmuck, Al Sharpton, who looks like a warmed-over corpse. I thought you and I could do some business together.

What kind of business?

Face it, Tony, people like us never quit the game. We’re always looking for something bigger. I’m sure you have projects in mind. I’m starting a public relations agency. I’m looking for my first big client. And you’re a whale.

Funny you should mention that, kiddo.

You want me to shampoo your hair?

I’ll do it, thanks. I do in fact have a super-project on the boards.

Really.

Yeah. It’s so big I wake up in the middle of the night sweating.

Well, come on, honey. Let’s you and I hit the road together. I have Tony Blair, Melinda Gates, Chelsea Clinton, Meghan Markle, and Prince Charles on my team so far, and I’m just getting started.

Get in here with me. I need the sound of the shower to blot out what I’m about to tell you. The Surveillance State is everywhere.

[Rachel steps into the shower and gets all wet. She and Tony briefly embrace. She steps back.]

Look, Rachel, I’m ready to fire the shot heard around the world.

This is something new?

Brand new.

What is it?

Take a deep goddamn breath. I’m going to say ALL VIRUSES NEED TO BE TRIGGERED BEFORE THEY CAN INFECT PEOPLE. IT’S A BREAKTHROUGH FINDING. AND I KNOW WHAT THE TRIGGER IS.

We won’t have any more pandemics without that trigger?

Exactly. But you see, the trigger is everywhere. That’s the problem. We have to eliminate it. If we can, we can wipe out a huge percentage of the diseases that plague humans.

Wow. What’s the trigger?

Ready?

Ready.

It’s Carbon Dioxide. CO2.

SILENCE.

Holy shit, Tony.

Yeah, holy shit. Viruses lay dormant and cause no harm whatsoever until they’re activated by CO2.

Damn. You just connected---

I know exactly what I’ve done, Rachel. I’ve been planning this for years. And now I’m ready. There are studies waiting to be rolled out. The right people are in place.

I can see the WAPO headline now: “Unless we solve climate change immediately, new pandemics will kill millions more people.”

At least a billion people.

You’re going to write a book about this?

Screw a book. I’ll essentially get control of the World Health Organization. Maybe the whole UN.

Bill Gates is on board?

Yeah, but this time he works for me. I don’t need his money.

Sweet.

I know.

Are people going to challenge your data?

They always do. But I’ve been around the block a few thousand times. I can put my critics through the meat grinder.

Climate change and viruses in one package.

Anyone who resists severe controls on CO2 is a killer. A murderer. He’s letting hundreds of new viruses in the door.

Boom. And fucking boom. So genius.

But wait, baby, there’s more. I’m not done yet. I’ve got a couple more dots to connect. Are you ready? About a year after we roll out the CO2-virus connection, we come in behind that with a startling new finding. Natural immunity. It turns out that certain people automatically ward off the viruses triggered by CO2. Transgender people.

Holy fucking shit, Tony.

And finally, on the other side of that coin, there are people who are extremely and disproportionately vulnerable to the viruses triggered by CO2. And unless we radically reduce CO2 right away, those people are going to get sick and die in huge numbers.

Who are those people, Tony?

Black people.

THERE it is.

If you thought black lives mattered before, that was NOTHING compared to THIS.

The whole enchilada, Tony. You’ve done it. The trifecta.

Actually, the quad-fecta. Viruses, climate change, transgender, black people.

Tony…ANYTHING my people and I can do for you…ANYTHING.

Of course I’ll need a whole army of PR people. But you and your team can help in two areas, for sure. You pump me up, personally, as the king, the messiah, and you come down like a ton of bricks on Big Oil as the source of CO2. The whole oil economy has to be scuttled and smashed right away.

Absofucking for sure, Tony. But I have to say…

Say what, Rachel?

It’s just that I…

Go ahead. Don’t be shy, kid.

Well, it’s just that…with this monster agenda of yours…I mean, relatively speaking…I’m just a tiny fish. Why do you want me at all?

Because I see something of my younger self in you, Rachel. You’re filled with ambition, and you want to rise up through the ranks. You’ve been spinning your wheels for a while at MSNBC, looking for an opening. I want to give you a shot.

Well, Tony, I really appreciate that. And I won’t let you down. You can take that to the bank. But I’m guessing there must be another reason you’re opening up to me.

Rachel, yes, OK, you’re right. There is another reason.

What is it, Tony?

Now I’M on the defensive, Rachel. But I’ll plow ahead anyway. There is one other thing. It’s a quirk of mine. Frankly, I’m terrified of…

You’re terrified of what?

Lesbians. I don’t why. It’s been that way since I was a kid. Philosophically, of course, I admire all dissenters from the sexual norm. But the fear remains. I believe that if you can bring a whole army of lesbians over to my side on these breakthrough issues I’m about to launch, I’ll feel more secure. I’ll feel more centered.

Why, Tony, I never knew that about you.

No one does.

Consider it done, pal. I’ll make you the lesbian’s lesbian.

[Tony turns off the shower.]

Can’t thank you enough, Rachel.

But then, why aren’t you afraid of me, Tony?

Maybe it’s because you’re first a shark like me, and a lesbian second. Think it through, Rachel. The opening I’m giving you here is only for true sharks. We’re going to be doing a tremendous amount of damage in pushing our agenda. Human damage. We have to be absolutely indifferent to it. We have to keep hunting and destroying. It’s part of the job. You see, this is my hole card. I’m willing to do the job. Most people aren’t.

SILENCE.

MORE SILENCE.

Fauci turns on the shower. He applies shampoo to his head. He hums quietly to himself. Rachel watches him and wonders how many other people, over the years, Fauci has talked to in this way---telling stories, offering opportunities. She wonders how many people have turned him down. And she wonders what she’ll do now. She wishes many people she knows could have this kind of conversation with a man like Fauci, so they could come face to face with the choices a person has to make to rise high on the food chain.

Toward the top apex position.

Of predators.

She thinks: “Look at him. He’s asking me to offload my soul, my very being. He’s truly an amazing man.”

-- Jon Rappoport