The leaked Tom Brady audio; forget the Ukraine, forget everything else

Recently, I wrote about a boggling NFL TV ad:

“The stark message on the screen goes something like this: Football is gay, lesbian, queer, transgender, American, beautiful, accepting, everything.”

I’m not kidding. This ad is real. The NFL is completely woke.

In the wake of that ad, a very private and secret meeting was set up at the Presidential retreat, Camp David. The people in the room included execs from major corporations—Coke, Pepsi, McDonald’s, Ford, Unilever; NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell; the heads of the American Medical Association, the CDC, and the FDA; and Tom Brady and his wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

Goodell: What we’re proposing, Tom, is highly unusual, but it serves a noble cause. Gender fluidity.

Brady: I’m familiar with the concept.

Goodell: In order to gain acceptance for it, we need famous people. Influencers and heroes.

Brady: You want me to make some kind of public statement of support?

Goodell: No. We want you to announce you’re pregnant.

SILENCE.

Brady: What?

Gisele: Wait a minute, Tom. Roger, if Tom were willing, what’s your offer?

Goodell: The people at this table have agreed on a fee. Two billion dollars.

MORE SILENCE.

Brady: I’m sorry, but—

Gisele: Be quiet, Tom. You’ve taken salary cuts your whole career. Maybe it’s payback time.

Brady: Even if I were willing, I mean, come on, I wouldn’t be pregnant.

Gisele: Who cares? Besides, there’s a solution.

Goodell: You’re seeing it, too, Gisele?

Gisele: Of course. A month after Tom makes the announcement, at the height of the media coverage, our doctor says there’s a problem, and Tom has an abortion. That way, we hit not one but two issues. Gender fluidity and the right to an abortion. It’s pure gold.

Goodell: What do you say, Tom?

Brady: How much money?

Goodell: Two billion dollars. Guaranteed. Post-NFL career, it’ll fund every conceivable business venture you could possibly want to launch.

Gisele: Six billion.

SILENCE.

Goodell: Gisele, if you knew how hard it was to come up with two…

Gisele: Who’s kidding who, Roger? The men around this table could come up with six by making a few phone calls.

Goodell: Your wife drives a very hard bargain, Tom.

Brady: I play football. She runs the family.

Goodell: Three billion.

Gisele: Five. The social transformation of America is expensive. The B-2 Spirit Stealth Bomber costs $2.1 billion. So we’re talking about two and half planes. And the military wants to go woke. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind diverting a few bucks from their budget.

Goodell: I guess I could talk to the Defense Sec.

Brady: I haven’t made up my mind.

Goodell: You’re pregnant, kiddo. Gisele is wearing the pants in the family.

Brady: If I’m pregnant, who’s the father?

Gisele: Way ahead of you, Tommy. It’s Gronk. Who else could it be? Slam dunk.

Goodell: How much would Gronk want?

Gisele: A hundred million and he’d swear he was banging Hillary. In fact, one night when he was drunk, he did say that.

Brady: I’m confused. Some reporter asks me exactly how I became pregnant, how am I supposed to respond?

Goodell: You say, “My private life is private. That’s the respect I’m asking for during this amazing and challenging time.” Our doctors will handle the rest. They’re experts in evasiveness.

Gisele: There was no actual sex between Tom and Gronk. Gronk donated his sperm, then the doctors performed “a complex cutting-edge procedure to induce pregnancy.” It’s all very clinical. Tom is donating ten million dollars to advance this line of research and make the technology available to the public.

Goodell: The story tells itself.

Gisele: We want the full bag up front. Five billion.

SILENCE.

THEN A WHIRRING SOUND.

THE SPINNING GEARS OF THE PROPAGANDA MACHINE SHIFT UP TO A WHITE-HOT LEVEL.

-- Jon Rappoport