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The rise of transgender football
Football is going trans.
Not the game. The football itself.
During the first half of every NFL game, the ball will be female. In the second half, it’ll be male.
Announcers (first half) will say, “Brady stands in the pocket, looks, sails HER out in the flat to Fournette…”
Of course, the broadcasters will have to undergo extensive training, to make sure they deploy the correct pronouns at the correct time, in the correct fashion.
The New York Times reports that Jim Nantz (CBS) and Joe Buck (FOX) have already enrolled at the NFL’s Gender Academy in San Francisco. Buck told reporters, “I want to get an early start. The shift is going to take a while. There are a lot of necessary mental adjustments…”
White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, addressed the issue yesterday with CBS’ Lesley Stahl: “We believe the ball itself is the carrier of a male bias---like a baseball bat. To make a radical cultural change, we need to go to the core of the issue. Apply the principle of inclusion through pronouns. This is the key. Change a pronoun, change the world.”
One NFL quarterback isn’t so sure. Tracked down at his remote Fiji cottage by Washington Post reporter, Taylor Lorenz, Green Bay star, Aaron Rodgers, stated, “The ball itself is neutral. It’s an inanimate object. So the correct pronoun would fall under the neuter category. You would use ‘it’ to designate the ball. Making the ball masculine or feminine is an error. You may as well call a plate or a cigarette or a light switch SHE. It doesn’t make sense. It’s true that some nouns in some languages are traditionally odd. For example, the word for farmer in Latin, agricola, has a feminine construction, but it’s considered masculine. But why should we confuse the issue further? A football is neither sex. It’s a thing.”
In response, reporter Lorenz published Rodgers’ Fiji address in the Post, along with a list of the cheapest flights from US cities to airports with nearby docks housing boats for rent, in order to arrive at the island.
NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, took up the issue of the football at a press conference yesterday. “There may be colors,” he said. “For instance, pink ball for the first half, blue ball for the second. Or combinations. Pink plus black, and blue plus black. One of our graphics coordinators has suggested pink and blue running and intertwining in rivers throughout the surface of the ball, to suggest gender fluidity.”
Former quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, stated, “If you just paint the ball black, you solve all issues at once.”
On topic but off point, Chelsea Clinton, now working as a brain surgeon at Mass General, sat down with Chris Wallace, newly hired by notaworkingjornalistanymore.com, and suggested, “The uniforms reek of toxic masculinity. At least make the numbers smaller and the shoulder pads less obtrusive. Why can’t they just wear shorts?”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft suggested: “Forget the colors. Just deflate the ball a little bit, as a symbolic gesture. Go flaccid instead of erect.”
For now, the NFL ball will have a dual identity. A SHE and a HE.
The only exceptions to the new rule are the field goal, the extra point, and punts. For instance, announcers are forbidden from saying, “He kicked HER through the uprights.” A representative of the Federal Communications Commission has vowed networks will occur stiff fines for blowing those calls.
Susan Rice, de facto President of the United States, added, “We’re talking million-dollar penalties. If I ever hear an egregious misspoken description of a kick, there’ll be hell to pay.”
When informed, Joe Biden nodded in agreement. “Susan is right on the money. Immigration can’t be solved by tightening restrictions at the border. When I was teaching at Harvard, I warned Putin about interfering in that.”
Hoping to get the last word, Aaron Rodgers proclaimed, “If I were a woman, I’d object to a statement like, ‘Deshaun threw her deep downfield.’ Doesn’t that conjure up a violent image? The League needs to rethink this whole program.”
A representative of the group Trans-Change Today shot back, “Rodgers is saying he ISN’T a woman? How dare he. How does he know for certain what he is? The whole point of the national gender dialogue is injecting fluidity, erasing old hard distinctions that divide, polarize, and set us against each other, in swimming pools, on playing fields, in the office, and at home with our ever-shifting families, under the watchful eye of progressive social media, the Department of Justice, and Homeland Security.”
SHE SPIRALED TO THE LEFT SIDELINE.
SHE FLOATED DOWN THE MIDDLE WHERE SHE WAS RECEIVED WELL.
SHE WAS COMPLETED.
HER LOFT WAS PERFECT.
THE FAILURE TO COMPLETE HER WAS CLEARLY HIS FAULT.
HER FLIGHT PATH OCCURRED BETWEEN TWO PLAYERS OF INDETERMINATE IDENTITY.
The Pope: ON THE FINAL PLAY OF THE GAME, ‘SHE WAS A HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE, TAKE YOUR COVID VACCINE TODAY, DON’T SIN AGAINST GOD’.”
-- Jon Rappoport