The Secret Sauce of Hero, Novak Djokovic; His Undocumented Journey

US Open

I wrote this piece a year ago, when Novak Djokovic, the greatest tennis player in the world, was banned from entering the US and competing in the US Open, because he refused to take the horrific COVID injection. Now he’s permitted to play, as this year’s tournament begins (Aug 28 thru Sep 10) in Flushing Meadows—Corona Park, Queens. I still like my version of his success. Here it is:

How Djokovic will win the US Open, despite being banned

The man is cheeky, no doubt about it. He actually believes he has the right to refuse the COVID vaccine. Where did he get that idea? From Robert F Kennedy, Jr?

We have to censor these people. Cut them off from all public communication outlets. Isolate them. Let them starve in their own homes.

But as you know, in the field of public relations you say whatever you need to say, to please the client.

And I’ve got people who can turn out convincing evidence that JFK, still young, still handsome, is living in Buenos Aires.

Novak Djokovic hired me yesterday, and a few old pals and I sat up all last night and worked out a plan.

Here are the bare bones.

I’m sending this to you and you only. Shh.

Step One: We fly Novak to Tijuana and put him up in a villa.

He grows a full beard. We give him lenses that change his eye color to bright blue.

A week later, we insert him into a struggling caravan of migrants coming up across the border into the US.

Of course, none of those people needs to show proof of vaccination, and no one can fully control them after they enter the country.

So we bring Novak to Hollywood.

He’s in the US and he hasn’t received the shot. All good.

Step Two: We supply him with papers proving he is Lucy Rodrigo, from Panama.

Our crew of makeover experts arrives at the Hollywood house and goes to work. Clothes shopping, make-up, hair.

We rehearse Novak’s new back story. She’s an unknown tennis player from Panama City, who’s lost in the early rounds of six low-rent tour events in Central America. Her parents are dead. She was orphaned and then adopted by a lovely couple from Rio, who moved to Cancun, then Havana, then Panama City.

She desperately wants to qualify for the US Women’s Open.

I place articles in major newspapers detailing her plight. She has no credentials. She’s looking for summer tournaments in the US where she can show what she can do.

Now we unleash her for interviews. A woman in a dress who has a full beard. She’s a transgender female.

The flag suddenly goes up the pole.

Overnight, Lucy is a world celeb.

ESPN is falling all over itself lining up guest shots for her. Liberal sports reporters from New York to Tierra del Fuego are having major orgasms.

This is so big White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki sits down with Lucy in Hollywood and does a one-on-one. Lucy is talking with Novak’s baritone, but with a Latin accent.

A week later, Martina Navratilova, Rachel Maddow, and Ellen march on to the set of The View with Lucy in tow. Surprise visit. The audience goes full psycho.

In July, Lucy is invited to play at the Cincinnati tour event.

She kicks the living shit out of every opponent in straight sets all the way to the finals—but then develops a painful leg cramp and has to withdraw, leading 5-2 in the first against Ash Barty.

Press coverage rolls like thunder for the rest of the summer, and finally…on the eve of the US Women’s Open in New York, the word comes down.

Lucy is healed; and she has a special last-minute invitation to the tournament.

Fucking wall to wall hysteria. A transgender woman at center court. A dude with a full beard in a short skirt who isn’t a dude.

—BUT THEN, early in the morning of opening day, leaks are dribbling out. There is a problem.

Is it with the Tennis Committee? Are they going back on their word? Is Lucy still injured? Are several women players objecting to a former dude being allowed in the door?