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Ukraine captures Moscow; NFL Players menstruating
The White House has announced that Ukrainian troops have invaded Moscow and taken control of the city.
Negotiations with Russia are underway. The discussions are centering on terms of surrender, including the resignation of Mr. Putin.
President Biden warned that although inflation in the US is a direct result of the war, “Don’t expect prices on goods to drop soon. The residual effects of Putin’s actions will be felt here for years.”
Military analysts at the Pentagon told the New York Times they’ve been anticipating the Ukraine counter-offensive for the past month, based on reports from the CIA.
One Pentagon source stated, “We knew the weapons we were sending to President Zelensky would be sold on the black market for extraordinary sums. When the word went out that profits would be shared among Ukrainian soldiers, morale rose to new heights, and the army marched into Moscow, overcoming all obstacles.”
Speaking of morale, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held an impromptu meeting with reporters at his summer home in Tuscaloosa this morning. Beaming with pride, Mr. Goodell announced:
“Medical staffs on three of our teams have told me that several players are having periods. They’re menstruating. So far, the flow is uneven and spotty, but we expect to see that change in the coming months.”
Asked what this means for the League, Goodell stated, “It’s not just the League. It’s football in general, it’s America and all of humanity. Men are clearly capable of giving birth. Of course we’ll have to write new rules for pregnancy and wellness leave and financial compensation.”
The commissioner declined to name the menstruating players or the teams involved. “At this time, we want to protect the privacy of the men and their families. We want to give them time to celebrate this majestic development.”
A FOX news reporter asked whether the menstruating players had been born female and then later identified as men. “Don’t confuse the issue,” Goodell said. “Men are men. And they’re having periods. Everything has changed. We’re on the cusp of a New Era. We’re going to rethink the Super Bowl half-time show. Expect surprises.”
Update: TMZ is reporting, “President Zelensky has just bought an estate in Monaco for $165 million. The mansion veranda faces an adjoining property purchased last year by Patrisse Cullors, co-founder of Black Lives Matter. Down the road a quarter of a mile, overlooking the harbor where Climate Ambassador John Kerry now keeps his wife’s yacht, Bernie Sanders owns a three-story brick home designed by the late Soviet architect, Lavrentiy Beria.”
Update 2: The White House just announced that Russia has surrendered unconditionally to the Ukraine. All Russian flags will be replaced by those of the Ukraine, which are emblazoned with swastikas. However, these are not Nazi symbols. They’re ancient ideographs, long deployed in India. The Ukraine has adopted the swastika as a gesture of appreciation to the millions of hardworking Hindus who live in Kiev and Kharkov.
The war is over and this is 1984.
-- Jon Rappoport