Genitalia: I can take the Saudi LIV golf tour out of the dumpster

...And make it the most popular sport in the world

Yes, the Saudi oil men are exceedingly clever when they lure golfers away from the PGA Tour with heavy money. But…

They may as well tell these men never to play golf again, because the Saudi tour has to be the worst pro sport ever devised.

Watching it on television is like watching a few blobs of honey melting in the sun.

It’s now TEAM golf.

The whole tradition and romance of golf, from the beginning, was the lone man out on the fairway. Striving to be a hero, against long odds.

But now, no. The Saudis have invented these synthetic teams nobody in his right mind could care about. The teams compete against each other.

Plus the golfers already have so much cash banked, courtesy of the Saudis, it doesn’t matter who wins.

It’s as if the Saudis are TRYING to turn golf into a boring horror, in order to destroy it completely.

But I can save it. I make it a must-watch.

Step one: Every golfer on the Saudi tour announces he’s now TRANSGENDER.

He’s a she.

And he shows up on the course wearing a wig and a short skirt.

Picture DJ and Koepka and Phil and Rahm in women’s wigs, and skirts well above their knees. Makeup. Lipstick. Hoop earrings.

Put THAT shit on television every weekend. And you have AUDIENCE.

But it’s just the beginning.

Let me ask you this. Have you ever seen a reporter sit down with one of these trans cyclists or swimmers and ask her about her new life? Of course not. But with the Saudi tour, all that will change.

REPORTER: So Brooks, I’m sorry, Barbara, what exactly is your status these days?

KOEPKA: I’m trans. But I’m also a lesbian.

REPORTER: Wow. I didn’t know that. So you want women.

KOEPKA: You bet. And I play with dolls and doll houses. I always wanted to, as a kid. But people would beat me up if I tried. So now I have a whole room devoted to it. I have the most expensive doll houses in the world.

REPORTER: Where do you get them?

KOEPKA: Jon Rahm has a Swiss connection. They make fantastic doll houses. In a minute I’ll show you the room.

REPORTER: You sit on the floor and play with the dolls?

KOEPKA: Sometimes. But I have assistants. I tell them how to arrange the dolls and change the rooms in the doll houses. I’m always rebuilding the houses.

REPORTER: Do you have lots of lesbian friends?

KOEPKA: Are you talking about the dolls or real people?

REPORTER: Either way is fine.

KOEPKA: I have six special lesbian dolls. Out in the world, several of the golfers on the Saudi Tour are lesbians, but they haven’t gone public yet, so I can’t tell you their names.

REPORTER: Phil? Cam?

KOEPKA: I can’t say.

REPORTER: What about your diet? I’ve heard trans women change their eating habits.

KOPEKA: I used to eat a lot of steak. Now I’m moving toward vegetables. Carrots and beets. I’m cutting out sugar. I still like Bud Lite smoothies. I load in Stevia, a natural sweetener. And I eat most of my meals out on my porch. Naked.

REPORTER: Totally naked?

KOEPKA: Right. It’s more natural. I say a little prayer before the first bite.

REPORTER: What kind of prayer?

KOEPKA: It comes from a trans lesbian bible. My friend Toni authored it. I spend a lot of time on Toni’s farm these days lugging bales of hay. It strengthens my wrists for tough shots out of the rough…

That kind of thing. We want to know all about the lives of these Saudi trans golfers. We need to humanize them.

A Saudi PR guy leaks this to reporter: “Our Jimmy? He thought he was trans, but now he realizes he’s gay. A gay man. It’s fine with us. We accept all people, regardless. Jimmy has a special friend on our tour. I can’t tell you who he is, but it’s possible they’ll be moving in together.”

Jon Rahm, who just defected from the PGA to the Saudis for $300 million or so, sits down with Lesley Stahl (60 Minutes):

“Like I said at the press conference, Lesley, money was just one reason I went to the new tour. The other one was, I’m trans. I wanted acceptance for who I really am. The PGA is a straight boy’s club. I found that oppressive. What about you, Lesley? Have you ever wanted to be a man? I think you’d make a great man. Overalls, plaid shirt, boots, working in your shop, sliding under a car, installing a new axle. Drinking bourbon from a glass jar. Come on, girl, show us your true colors.”

And then there are cat fights out on the golf course, during Saudi events:

“That bitch stole my makeup.”

“She’s jealous because you used to date her girlfriend.”

“Boyfriend.”

“Whatever.”

—I just had another idea. This one is a blockbuster. You know how the Pentagon is all into trans these days? Well, how about they field a trans golf team and join the Saudi tour? Wow. Some kind of trans Special Ops Recon bunch of tough guy girls whacking golf balls all over the place. They’re dressed in female camo skirts and they wear holstered weapons.

The Super Bowl? Don’t make me laugh. In the ratings, the Saudi golf tour conquers all events all the time.

And it’s on ESPN, owned by Disney. What could be more natural than that?

Stephen A Smith and Pat McAfee are out on the course doing play by play following the golfers from hole to hole.

STEPHEN A: Did you see her hit that shot out of the bunker? Rolled right up two feet from the cup.”

PAT: Yeah, when she followed through, her skirt flared out. I thought I saw a hint of testicle. Let’s watch the replay…

100 million people are watching that replay.

-- Jon Rappoport