Star Trek: Starship Enterprise grounded indefinitely for multiple violations

May be mothballed

Space, the final frontier. It was. But not anymore.

The Enterprise, and 37 other Starfleet ships, have been grounded at Biden Memorial Plains, in Mexico City, pending an internal investigation of major violations.

The Garland Task Force reports on the crimes uncovered so far:

“The Enterprise crew quotas have grossly exceeded The Proportion Act, as white male crew members comprise 58% of the ship’s staff.”

“The engineering contingent refused to abide by Edict 243-B, which eliminated final exams for candidates seeking employment as Warp Drive maintenance and repair team members. Enterprise Deputy Commander Whitley asserted he would not endanger the ship by ‘hiring incompetent individuals’. Whitley is currently imprisoned at the ADX Florence facility awaiting trial on charges of insubordination and uninclusion.”

“Enterprise Captain Martha Bob Drag has submitted a claim to Fleet Command detailing the mistreatment of Enterprise Nurse Assistant Carol Ethel, formerly Bob Deal, who was illegally barred from the ship’s female shower facilities because she retains a penis and testicles after her gender change.”

“Last year, the Enterprise, sitting on the Fleet tarmac at Sinaloa Tijuana, turned away a group of 4000 migrants from Mexico, Panama, Venezuela, Somalia, and Afghanistan, who were seeking sanctuary aboard the ship and transport to Moon Base 12.”

“An outside crew of contractors, hired to repair the badly damaged Enterprise main computer at Sinaloa Tijuana, included 12 Vulcans and only two Mexicans, both of whom were dismissed owing to unproven claims they were cartel fentanyl traffickers.”

“16 Enterprise transgender staff have filed a suit against the ship’s Communication Chief for refusing to use their preferred pronouns during a battle against a Romulan battle cruiser off the Rings of Saturn six months ago.”

“An Enterprise chaplain, Critical Race Theorist Ms. Quality X Vibrant, is awaiting a verdict in her case against Fleet insurance carrier, Buffet Hathaway, after her request for extensive plastic surgery was denied. Vibrant received several bruises in a hallway scuffle with an Albino Unicorn Alien from the Lassiter Asteroid, after Vibrant accused the Unicorn of using several racial slurs while ordering coffee in the ship’s main cafeteria.”

“Enterprise on-board scholar and historian, Horace R Groin, has filed a charge against the ship for deploying several minor jets which employ fossil fuels, thus contributing to Warming.”

“Starship Fleet investigators are continuing to probe for the identity of an Enterprise crew member caught on a hot mic two years ago saying, ‘My dick’.”

“A Harvard New York Times reporter, Emily Slotkin, embedded on the ship, suffered extensive trauma as a result of hearing that phrase. She is currently under treatment at the Walter Reed Galactic Psychiatric Facility on the French Riviera.”

“Finally, the Solar Economic Forum lawsuit against Starfleet continues to wend its way through Milky Way courts, on the issue of the name, Enterprise, which the Forum claims promotes the most dangerous ideology ever invented by humanoids: Capitalism.”

“Starfleet states the Enterprise, and 37 other Fleet ships, will be grounded for at least the next seven years.”

DADDY, WHO ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WANT TO KEEP EXPLORING SPACE IN SHIPS?

THEY’RE EVIL, JIMMY. THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. THEY’RE EVIL.

-- Jon Rappoport